Archive for February, 2010

Knolls Ranger Cited For Illegally Parking Horse

Friday, February 26th, 2010

Hi Ho Chromium!

My  so-called counterpart the “Lone” Ranger can keep his stinky old ungulate Silver!  For I, the Knolls Ranger have an equestrian pal myself!  Her name is Chromium.  You don’t know about her because I sneak her out of the subterranean stable at the heart of my top-secret Knolls Ranger cave (where I conduct all of my mysterious super-hero business, like typing silly things into a website or ordering take-out from Jongewaard’s Bake n’ Broil) long after sun-down when all the working citizens are in the midst of repose.  And in this state, we gallop through the cool Cal Heights nights together, just like that kid from the Peter Schaffer play (But less creepily, and with no disposition towards eye-gouging).  At least we used to, until a recent run-in with the law drove her far from my ranger radar.  The problem, it would appear, is parking.


As in any major metropolitan city on the make, impacted parking is an issue in Long Beach.  Whether you’ve got a prius, hummer, or horse, looking for that prime spot to settle down your transporter is a tricky task.  Augment these endeavors with parking mandates to ensure clean streets and you’ll soon find your parking problem multiplied by like, a trillion billion.  (Good math Knolls Ranger, [why thank you Knolls Ranger])  Now don’t get me wrong, The Knolls Ranger recognizes the importance of keeping the streets clear of debris, and is in full support of the efforts of The Long Beach Environmental Services Bureau.  But you better believe he ran like Blue Thunder when he saw officers from the LBPD affixing a ticket to the mane of his main Fresian beauty, Chromium.

Oh No!  The Ranger in trouble with the law?!

“We got the call that there was an unlicensed hoofed mammal of some sorts on the Atlantic Coordior.”  Said officers of the LBPD north division patrol bureau, “Honestly we didn’t know what to expect, a burro, a giraffe, a Dromedary camel?  It could have been anything!”

“I was pretty sure it was going to be some kind of llama.”  Said his partner to reporters of the Bixby Buzz Tribune.

He was sure, but I wasn’t.  I’m never sure until I see the perp with my own eyes.  But in the case it turned out to be a horse.  An illegally parked horse.”

“If they’d only moved it to the South side of the street everything would have been just fine.”

“So we’re writing the ticket.  When who should run up the road hammerin’ and stammerin’ like Muhammed Ali in the big fight of ’71 but Captain Marvel himself!”

“Kee-ripes I never saw such a guy.”

“He’s wearin’ these bright red Dickies pants, a big cowboy hat, and some kinda-black identity-protectin’ eye piece of some sorts!  And he tells us a tale, oh brother he tells us a whale of a tale!  Starts claiming that he’s a super-hero for Bixby Knolls, that this is his trusty steed, that he’s the foster son of Jotham and Llewelyn Bixby, and that, get this, he’s part bean pod.”

“Like that Donald Sutherland movie you know?”

“Just like that.  I tell ya, that guy was a real nutjob.”

Laugh it Up LBPD!

What these fine keepers of the peace didn’t realize was that my Chromium, in addition to speaking horse, is fluent in English, Spanish, and Farsi, and when she heard them threatening punitive measures she thought for certain they were referring to the glue factory.  Fearing for her life Chromium took off and didn’t look back, not even when she got to the beach.

Bon Voyage Chromium!

And from there she kept on running, right into the Pacific Ocean.  Where she is now nobody knows but if I had to hazard a guess I would say she’s on the mystical isle of Chincoteague with Misty and all the other fillys.  And that’s the reason you never see the Knolls Ranger on a horse.

Taken Away by the Sea Nymphs

Taken Away by the Sea Nymphs

Mardi Gras and Me

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

Hello Ladies

Hot diggity internet amigos!  Let me tell you about the fun I had at Long Beach’s Annual Mardi Gras parade last Saturday!  Brass Bands, Samba Dancers, Roller Girls, Actors, Ice Cream people, and more congregated outside the Aquarium of the Pacific and then paraded forth along Shoreline Village from the Rainbow Harbor tossing beads to all the citizens!  Along the way I ran into my friends from The District Weekly, and Smolarcorp, Met fellow Long Beach superhero, Z Blade XX.  and had some fun with the roller derby girls and the Ice Cream Man.

Still the Best Superhero according to The District, sorry Z Blade XX

Getting the Boogie going
A Soft Spot for the Pooches

Marching Band

Derby Time!

Mardis Gras Celebrators

On the Carousel

All hail the Ice Cream Man
Frightening the Locals:  "Come Up to Bixby Knolls!"

What a fun parade!  Now the only thing left for me to do is head over to the Ragga-Muffins Reggae Festival at the Long Beach arena!

Getting I-ree

Photos courtesy of Blair Cohn and Thomas Wasper.

A Ranger Recycles

Saturday, February 20th, 2010

Hughes Middle-School Saves a Ton!

The Knolls Ranger showed his support of Hughes Middle School’s greenery project by showing up to their monthly clean-up with two big bags of glass and plastic!  Once there he helped to build a compost bin, tended a garden, met with some of his more fanatic Bixby Buckaroo’s, dug a hole for a plant, and posed for multiple convenient photo ops.  all in the name of re-use, modest living, and Bixby Knolls!  Look at this!

Working With Veggies

My Biggest Fans

Hughes Middle School is trying to recycle a TON (that’s 1,000 pounds) so bring your empty vessels to 3846 California Avenue Long Beach, CA 90807 and support this island earth. (The planet, not the classic sci-fi Leslie Neilsen flick)

The BKBIA Annual Members Meeting

Friday, February 19th, 2010

BIA Community Liason, John Royce and the Ranger

The purpose of the Bixby Knolls Business Improvement Association is to promote the interests of its professional, service and retail members, to enhance the common areas within the BIA area, to facilitate the exchange of business information and ideas, to promote the highest business and ethical standards, and to eat the most crispy fried mini-wings it possibly can.  Or so appeared to be the case last night at the annual meeting for residents and members of the BKBIA.  The ranger was there of course, bumping elbows with everyone from Smolarcorp’s own Ryan Smolar to Uptown Animal Hospital’s Dr. Katie Marrie.  The Anne Walsh band played an assortment of danceable diddies, The Petroleum Club staff served some mighty fine sasparilla, and a fine time was had by all.

The Anne Walsh Band wails

Here are a few of the fun ventures in store for the future of Bixby Knolls, as laid out by Executive Director and Tattoo leg guru, Blair Cohn:

The Signal Hill Petroleum Lot 33 is set to be beautified by Boy Scout Scott Eastman!

Cal Trans approved the installation of two freeway signs declaring, “Bixby Knolls Next Two Exits”!

There is talk of adding a community garden to the 3300 block of Atlantic!

And last but not least, Blair and his bro want to have a tubular 80′s dance party!

Bodacious Blair in the tubular 80's!

Bodacious Blair in the tubular 80's!

Good Eats Alert: Cafe Bixby and Pizza

Monday, February 15th, 2010

Eat in Bixby Knolls:  It's American!

It’s syllogism time kiddies!

If A:  All restaurants in Bixby Knolls are inherently delicious, and B:  Cafe Bixby and Pizza is a restaurant in Bixby Knolls then, it stands to reason, that C:  Cafe Bixby and Pizza is inherently delicious.  (unless I was photo-synthesizing during that part of fifth grade or something).

Never one to make definitive statements however, (ah, who’s kidding who?!) The Knolls Ranger was immensely pleased when co-owner “Cousin Jack” invited him out for a bite of Bixby grub.  And I’ll be durned if my syllogism didn’t hold water!  Everything from the seafood to the potato skins, from the garden salads to the liver and onions, from the gyros to the fettucino alfredo, to say nothing of the home-made milkshakes, caught the Rangers eye and nasal passage.  But it was the scrumptious Bixby Scramble (three eggs, diced ham, onions mushrooms, melted cheese, and Knolls magic scrambled to perfection) that finally satiated my appetite.

The prices are modest, the restaurant large, the food savory, and the staff friendly.  Stop by next time you’re in the mood for Italian, Mexican, Greek, or Americana eats!  If you’re disappointed I’ll swallow my hat!

Cracking Jokes While Cooks Crack Eggs

Cafe Bixby and Pizza is located at 3900 Atlantic Ave, Long Beach, CA 90807.  They can be reached via phone at (562) 427-2233, or online right here.

Bixby’s Best Boy Blair Cohn in the Press!

Saturday, February 13th, 2010

Blair, Annie, & the Ranger

The uninitiated may not recognize this man about town, but Blair Cohn (photo’d here standing to the left of the Knolls Ranger and canine pal) is the executive director of The Bixby Knolls Business Improvement Association, the organizer of successful community events such as First Fridays, the father of the Supper Club and the Bixby Knolls strollers, and my personal friend.  In other words, he’s Commissioner Gordon to my Batman.  It’s safe to say that Bixby Knolls wouldn’t be the same without him and his beautiful Bulldog Annie.  He’s implemented hundreds of fantabulous marketing opportunities on a dime!  (Literally, he’s always sitting on a dime.  It’s odd I know, but I think it has something to do with the special place he holds in his heart for four-term US president Franklin Delano Roosevelt [and the special place FDR holds in his metal alloy heart for Blair's Gluteus Maximus])  But don’t take our word for any of this (except the FDR butt thing), The Press Telgram has honored our man Friday (I mean, Cohn) with a powerful puff piece of panegyrical prowess!  Read the whole thing here, and then come up to Bixby Knolls for a potpourri of mom-and-pop-shopitude, arts and culture, and fine dining!

The First February Friday

Friday, February 5th, 2010

Ziggy Stardust Jams Jammin' Music!

Howdy Ho Buckaroo’s!  February 5th was a monumental first friday indeed!  Not only was it the first first in 2010, but it was the go-to spot for all the Valentines fun your Bixby Knolls heart could muster!

I was there of course decked out in all my cherubic finest.  A bow and quiver at my beck, feathered wings sprouting from my shoulder blades and a big heart on my chest!

Everyone loves a ranger

The Expo Building featured art by Jonathon Bueno, Rob Padilla and more!  Plus Daniel Quinonez was crafting his own unique “paintings” live.

Hendrix Portrait by Daniel Quinonez

Held 2 Gether, the improv comedy troupe, brought down the house at Elises Tea Room!

Elises Tea Room Pre Improv

The Potential Lunatics brought the rock AND roll to The Factory!

Potential Lunatics

Swoop’s World did a live podcast at Nino’s Italian Restaurant and interviewed yours truly!

Swoop there it is!

And then there was this Ziggy Stardust fellow.  Who dazzled and awed spectators up and down the corridor with his amazing feats of daring-do!  Check it out!

Gabelich and Stardust: Friends to the End