Posts Tagged ‘Real-Life Superhero’

Mardi Hardy at Rainbow Harbor

Tuesday, March 8th, 2011

Mardi Gras, or Fat Tuesday en  francais is traditionally recognized as the last day of the Catholic tinged Carnival celebrations and is marked by costume donning, normative behavioral dropping, street dancin’, and feasting on fatty fat foods.  Sounds like the ranger’s kind of holiday!  Mardi Gras specifically was brought to the United States by a couple of King Louis XIV’s lackeys checking up on the monarch’s hold of le Louisiane, and was brought to Long Beach by a tow-headed community organizer (and Bixby resident) by the name of Jeff Williams.

True Believer

This Tuesday’s celebrations were the third annual for The Shoreline Village area of Downtown Long Beach, and the second annual attended by your favorite neighborhood ranger.

And, as in last year, the walkways were rampant with pirates…

Ar, be ye mates of Kapn' Kula? Than be walkin' the plank with ye!

…mascots…

Hearty Love

…fellow super-heroes (Z Blade XX it’s been a long time, how are you?!)…

…beauty pageant winners…

Shan Smith, Mrs. Southern CA

…beaded and bedazzled residents…

…and some wonderful ladies from an owl-habitat-preservation group called Hooters!

Woodland Conservationists

…The parade kicked off at three led by Mardi Gras Queen Estro Jen of the Long Beach Skate Shop and Roller Derby

…and Mardi Gras King Blair Cohn.  That’s right, our very own Bixby Knolls Business Improvement Association Executive Director!

In addition to the parade there was a shrimp eating contest, face painting station, mask-making station and a 21+ after hours event called Party gras which featured live music sets by The Gumbo Bros., 00 Soul, and Lazy Brad Lewis whose languidness is matched only by his ability to jam.

Brad Lewis: Lazy

All in all a Fat Tuesday to remember!

BEADS! BEADS! GIVE US SOME BEADS!

Photos courtesy of Daniel DeBoom, Justin Rudd, Alissa Sablan, Woody, & Logan Crow.

Introducing… The Naples Superhero!

Wednesday, August 25th, 2010

Naples Island

Your local Bixby Knolls superhero, The Knolls Ranger, has long known he wasn’t the only civic minded masked man in existence.  That in fact, his own frenetic heroicity was merely one consumation of a great taciturn tradition of REAL PEOPLE ducking furtively into alleyways and phone booths with garish capes and tights in hand, in order that they might do their own community some greater good.  (And make a really stunning fashion statement holus bolus).

In the past we at Knollsranger.com have sought to build public awareness of the existence of these fashionable philanthropists.  Introducing you blog-smiths to the likes of Captain Prospect and his Capital City Supersquad, Terriffica, Angel-Grinder Man, and more!  But when it came to LBC heroing the ranger thought he’d cornered the market as the old bears and bulls say.  After all, Captain Prospect is kickin’ it old skool in DC, Terriffica hangs her cape in New York, and Angle-Grinder Man is a vigilante Londoner for Kee-ripes sake!

It wasn’t until a mysterious letter was Fed Exed to the Bixby Knolls Business Office that the ranger realized not only the error in his ways, but just how capacious the hero racket had become!

Ladies and Gentlemen we bring you:  The Naples Super-hero!

An unheralded letter

Disregard the spelling snafu’s this my friends is evidence of another hero in our midst!  But who is the Naples Superhero who both writes and signs his name as simply Superhero and what are his intentions?  Is the letter meant to be received as a call for collaboration or a challenge of super-hero dominance?  Could the “grate” Mr. Huntington in fact be the late Samuel Huntington?  And if so does that mean the former Political Scientist had faked his own demise in ’08, or that he is an undead zombie?

This letter, which is noteworthy for it’s brevity as well as it’s typographical errors offers no indication.  And the accompanying photo of he and former Long Beach Mayor Beverly O’Neil raises more questions and relieves no answers.

Beverly O'Neil and Super-hero

Naples Superhero, if you read this, know that we received your letter and are very interested in meeting up with you to discuss future collaborations.  Might you by chance be able to attend the next Bixby Knolls First Friday?  If not, then we will continue to keep our eyes peeled for a man dressed like Mark Twain.

Motion Picture Innacurately Portrays Lifestyles of Everyday Super-heroes

Sunday, April 18th, 2010

Totally Unrealistic The last decade, it seems to one ranger, has proved popular for the caped crime-fighter sub-genre of big budge Hollywood studio pics (those are my abreve’s, thank ye very much).  Every year a glut of the noxious noisemakers (now with 0 grams of trans fat!) cram their way into our theatre houses, televisions, bus stop insert ads, and collective unconsciousness.  Is it the zeitgeist of our times, a cleverly crafted bout of commercialism, or both that demands a consistent mainstream re-enactment of latent fantasies involving gamma rays and radioactive spiders?  The world may never know.

The latest tights-and-spandex spectacle claims originality for it’s realistic reflections of the actions, motives, angst, and lifestyles of actual super-heroes, were they to really exist in our modern day.  Well, being an actual, existing, real-life masked man myself I decided to catch a viewing of said celluloid and see for me.  The movie in question is, of course, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze.

(Wait, no, strike that.  That’s not right.  Actually TMNT2 hit the nail on the proverbial head in many ways, no, the movie I’m actually referring to is Kick-Butt [title here altered to maintain family friendliness]) So yeah; Kick-Butt; movie; Lionsgate Films; honest-to-goodness, run-of-the-mill, joe-schmoe, everyday superheroes.  And what do these average superheroes do, you might ask?

Punchin' in Profiles the Super Way!

Engage in orgiastic bloodletting bouts, and make frequent espousal of the c word apparently.  (Not cran-apple although that’s a good guess) Well I cry foul (I also cry “fowl!”  When I’m ordering a scrumptious chicken teriyaki bowl from the Golden Bowl Burger at 3967 Atlantic.  Mmmm hmmm)

A typical day for me is not only less violent, it’s much less eventful.  I wake up everyday promptly at 7 am and wander around my top-secret Bixby Knolls lair for an hour-and-a-half cleaning up the bat guano.  Then I do my Tae Bo program for thirty minutes.  At Nine it’s time for me to enter the Bixby Knolls streets, greet the neighbors, and accidentally make small children cry.  I get breakfast from somewhere delicious like Arnold’s Family Restaurant or George’s 50′s Diner.  I pose for pictures, I contemplate my place in the cosmos and I help old ladies cross the street.  Sometimes I go over to Averyboo Arts and meet up with Avery and his friends and we express ourselves artistically.

That desk never knew what hit it

For lunch I’ll choose a fine dining establishment like Nino’s, Il Poggio, IHOP, or Trani’s.  Then I’ll type silly things into my website for hours on end and enjoy my fan mail (Thank you for your concern Billy Preston from Milwaukee I’m sure my horse is safe by now and well over the Bering Strait.)  As you can see this leaves me no time at all to wade knee deep through grimy pools of human viscera as this film posits I would surely do.

But the assumption Kick Butt makes which most irks me is that masked crime fighters in fact, don’t exist in the real world (at least not until the fantasy of this movie came out).  Oh yeah?  Tell that to Captain Jackson, a former cop who makes arrests, repaints old gentrified theatres, and helps out his community in Jackson, Michigan all the while wearing his favorite tights and cape!

Real Superhero Captain Jackson

Real Superhero Captain Jackson

Tell that to Superbarrio, a laborer from Mexico City who organizes petitions and rallies for the rights of the common man in his red vinyl suit and luchadore mask!

Superbarrio- A real life Super-hero from Mexico City

Superbarrio- A real life Super-hero from Mexico City

Angle Grinder Man

Angle Grinder Man

Then there’s Angle-Grinder Man!  A Londoner who cuts cars free from their wheel clamps in the United Kingdom!  And whose gold and blue suit is the envy of heroes everywhere! And let’s not forget Terrifica!  A New Yorker who patrols bars and parties and ensures that inebriated women are not taken advantage of!

Thank You Terrifica

Thank You Terrifica

To posit that no such heroes exist is to wipe away the consistent concerted efforts of masked do-gooders like these and myself!  Not that we ask for any reward for our actions.  Simply knowing that the streets are safer, or that a bears claw can be obtained from Yummy Donuts at 4466 California Place is reward enough!

But I called "Shotgun!" guys!

But I called "Shotgun!" guys!